Sat05182013
Last update08:50:58 AM GMT
Vancouver Woman Learns Nannying Not 100% Reliable Contraceptive
VANCOUVER, BC—Despite assurances from fellow-nannies, and her own iron-clad convictions on the topic, Julie Shirelle, 24, learned today that nannying is not 100% reliable as a contraceptive method.
Totally Whipped Boyfriend Buys Flowers For Girlfriend’s Funeral
BRANDON, MB—One totally pussy-whipped bo...
$5 Footlong Meatball Sub A Metaphor For Customer’s Sad Life
MARKHAM, ON—Gary Macmillan let out a sig...
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Business
Waterloo Demands More RIM Jobs
WATERLOO, ON—Research In Motion (RIM), makers of the popular BlackBerry, are sla...
TSX Refusing Treatment For Bipolar Disorder
TORONTO, ON—The Toronto Stock Exchange appears to be losing ground in the battle...
Pervert Works To Increase Web Presence
THUNDER BAY, ON—The Digital Revolution has one Ontario sexual deviant diligently...
News
Hot News Reporter Appears To Be Saying Something
TORONTO, ON—According to observers, the almost unbelievably hot news anchor, Kri...
Dalton McGuinty Insists That "Premier Of Ontario" A Real Job
TORONTO, ON–After weeks of mounting skepticism, Dalton McGuinty was today forced...
Offshore Memorial To BP Disaster Looks A Lot Like Another Oil Rig
GULF OF MEXICO—A newly built memorial to the 2010 Deepwater Horizon disaster loo...
Sports
Bird-Watcher Apparently Completes Everything Else To Do In Life
EDMONTON, AB—By all indications, bird-watcher Marty Dimmer, 63, has completed ev...
GSP To Dana White: “Bring On The Orangutan”
MONTREAL, QC—Reigning UFC Welterweight Champion Georges “Rush” St. Pierre has ma...
Retro Flash Mob Burns Suspected Witch
TORONTO, ON—Shoppers in the Distillery District were surprised and delighted yes...
Culture
Porn Star Breaks Fourth Wall Repeatedly In Most Recent Film
HOLLYWOOD, CA— During a recent shooting of Backwoods Beaver IV: Sluts Go To Canad...
Intense Feelings Of Self-Loathing Fail To Halt Masturbation Session
VERNON, BC— Strong feelings of sadness and self-hatred were no match for a Briti...
Bad Cop Partnered With Equally Bad Cop
NEW YORK, NY—The NYPD’s 18th precinct recently made the controversial decision t...
Science and Tech
Man Builds First Successful Time Machine Just To Visit 19th Century Brothels
TORONTO, ON—High school science teacher Gregory Tula, 31, has successfully const...
Stephen Hawking Switches To Sexy, Black Voice
CAMBRIDGE, UK – Stephen Hawking stunned the physics community by recently switch...
Leafcutter Ant Passively Protesting By Carrying Only Ten To Twelve Times Body Weight
AMAZON RAINFOREST, BRAZIL—Despite being able to carry forty to fifty times her b...
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